Remember When?

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Remember when everything seemed simpler. Kids were younger, knees were scraped, arms were bruised and the house was full of noise. Remember when skates had to be tied, dinners were on the run and knapsacks were on the floor. Remember when college was a dream, high school was on the horizon and the social life revolved around sleepovers. Time stands for no one. Did I really expect that time would halt so I could bottle it up, put a cap on it and save it forever?

There definitely is a lot of self reflection these days. Tristan is months past his graduation from Lehigh. Aidan is three years into college, forging his path forward with more focus and direction. Dallyn’s detour to prep school is nearing and end and his short term future is starting to come together.

As a parent I find myself in assessment mode. How many different times did I totally screw things up with my kids? I find myself totally consumed at times with thoughts of failure as a father. I am sure that I am not alone as a parent thinking about these things. Maybe watching my three boys I see adults now that don’t require as much guidance as they once did. Yes, there still are times they reach out for a hand, but not with the regularity they did several years ago. Self-pity? Probably. A realization that these boys aren’t children any more and me feeling a bit more alone in this world as they start to separate themselves from the nest. There is an empty feeling in my soul, but also a small feeling of accomplishment as the boys have started to make a place in the world for themselves.

I miss all three of them as little boys and the pure joy they would provide me through their innocence. I miss those days so very much. Dallyn was the baby for so long and now he is 19 years old. Aidan is 22 and Tristan 24. Wow, what happened? I turned my head for a second and they grew up. I know that as young adults their focus is on the future. At 53, my focus is changing as I have one eye looking in the past and one looking to the future. I know you can’t live in the past and that is the challenge now. This may be my middle age moment. Shifting away from the old memories and building new ones.

So let’s raise our glasses and toast the wonderful times we had when the kids were younger. The peaks and valleys were worth it. Let’s also toast the future and the joys that await us. To the endless opportunities and challenges that we will meet head on. We definitely come a long ways through green pastures and muddy fields. I do remember those wonderful times when we were all younger, but I also am ready to embrace the future, feeling a bit older and a lot more appreciative of what I have.